We’re back with another collection of five films, some new, some not so much. We’ll open with the comedic “Hold the Fort” and then the not-funny-at-all “Love is the Monster,” both new releases. We’ll take a look at a creepy, long-ish short film, “Animals,” also from this year. We’ll then watch a couple of vintage films, “Planet of the Apes” and “Lost Highway.” Mostly good stuff!
All this, as well as the latest issue of “Horror Monthly,” issue #57, for June 2026, is available! Check out all the back issues, as well as our other books, with one easy link: https://horrormonthly.com
Mainstream Films:
2025 Hold the Fort
Director: William Bagley
Writers: William Bagley (written by), Scott Hawkins (story)
Stars: Haley Leary, Chris Mayers, Julian Smith, Tordy Clark, Hamid-Reza Benjamin Thompson
Runtime: 74 minutes
Official Trailer:
Spoiler-Free Judgment Zone
Because they didn’t read their home owners association contract, a young couple find themselves in a battle with assorted creatures from a hell portal. It’s very funny while being full on horror with a gory body count. The effects, cast, and script were all very good. We thought it was really entertaining.
Spoilery Synopsis
An old man and woman argue about defending the house against something. There’s something wrong with their land, and she wants to sell the place. He refuses, but he may not have a choice.
When the realtor and a new buyer come to look at the house in the morning, there are bullets everywhere and the old woman, covered in blood, says “We’ll sell.” Credits roll as a whole new subdivision is built on the spot.
Lucas argues with Jenny about moving into a place with an HOA. She’s not a fan of HOAs, but he thinks it’s all pretty cool. They get an invitation to the annual equinox party tonight. Jerry, the HOA guy, shows up at the door.
“Welcome to the Equinox. Please don’t die” says the banner at the party. Ted and Annette say there’s plenty of weird stuff that goes on here. They explain the legend of the equinox; once a year, a portal from Hell opens up and all kinds of creatures pour out to kill. The “Fort” that was here defends against the monsters, so now they can all get drunk and celebrate. Ted asks, “Can you shoot? You can always tell which neighbors are gonna last.”
Jerry starts his presentation, and he talks about expecting a horde of witches. “Magic can’t stop bullets,” but the price of silver is going to limit their werewolf defenses. The Stick Man might be the worst of all of them, the leader of the dark army. Then there’s a raffle and Lucas wins a shotgun. Everyone jokes that there’s no way Lucas is going to survive the night.
Jerry freaks out and says “They’re early tonight!” and everyone goes on full alert. We get a glimpse of the Hell portal, wide open outside.
The witches attack, and one man dies right away, splattering Lucas with blood. McScruffy, the local weapons guy, shows up, and he’s armed for witches. It’s all very violent, but the witches are soon dead. Lucas, who doesn’t know guns, shoots McScruffy in the leg.
Jerry explains that this is all pretty standard HOA stuff “Gotta pay for bullets and shit,” he explains, which is why the fees are so high. Jerry then passes out because he ate too many cheesesticks with muscle relaxers in them.
Three of the men inside the house turn into zombies. There’s a crazy battle, and soon there are five zombies. Everyone hides in the closet. Lucas tries to call 911, but they keep hanging up on him. “Didn’t you read anything in your HOA contract?”
Ted explains that there’s no property tax here, so the portal to Hell is generally worth it. They explain about the kung-fu spirits that control the zombies, and Lucas thinks he can get to the special sword. When they get out of the closet, the zombies are gone.
The fog rolls in. “He’s here,” says Jerry. Ted gives Lucas a sort of pep talk as they hear a werewolf outside. The two finally defeat the kung-fu zombies by working together. Suddenly, a huge werewolf shows up, and it takes forever for Jenny to figure out how to load the gun with silver bullets.
Ted gets killed in the meantime, but that doesn’t keep him down. Lucas uses the mini-chainsaw on him.
Lucas apologizes to Jenny for moving into an HOA. She says she would have liked the place under different circumstances. Jerry and Annette say that there’s another wave coming. Jerry wants to mix things up by attacking the portal with Annette’s moonshine bottles.
Lucas, with McScruffy duct-taped on his back, runs toward the portal with a huge load of moonshine as they are swarmed by kamikaze bats. They fall down and lose the moonshine, but McScruffy has a huge bomb strapped to his chest, so that’s Plan B.
Back in the clubhouse, something grabs Jerry, leaving Jenny and Annette alone. It suddenly gets really cold, and the Stick Man shows up just in time to kill Annette. As he moves in to kill Jenny, Lucas helps McScruffy to jump into the Hell portal with his bomb.
As the portal explodes, so do the remaining monsters.
One year later, new people move into the HOA, and Jerry shows up to invite them to a party tonight. Lucas and Jenny don’t expect anything will happen this year, and they’re part of the HOA.
As the closing credits roll, we see the power of cocaine in large quantities.
Brian’s Commentary
Always read your HOA contract. At least now we really understand what those fees are for.
It’s fast-paced, funny, and has excellent effects. I thought it was pretty great.
Kevin’s Commentary
This was really a lot of fun. Which continues into the closing credits with some outtakes. It’s well made and entertaining.
2026 Love is the Monster
Director: Alex Noyer
Writers: Alex Noyer, Hannu Aukia, Blair Bathory
Stars: Madeline Zima, Leonardo Nam, Kimberly-Sue Murray, Moe Jeudy-Lamour, Kristina Tonteri-Young, Milla Puolakanaho, Sheila McCarthy
Runtime: 86 minutes
Official Trailer:
Spoiler-Free Judgment Zone
Multiple couples go on a therapy retreat in Finland, which is unfortunately the home of an ancient goddess of love who damages her playthings. Things aren’t quite right from the beginning and only go downhill from there. It’s well put together, a little on the slow side, but overall pretty good. We were entertained.
Spoilery Synopsis
We watch a commercial for a romantic retreat for couples. Lempo has many testimonials of people that it’s helped. “Free your hearts in the name of love,” the woman, Tina, says. We then cut to some kind of blood ritual of Lempo that involves glowing eyes and human sacrifice. Credits roll.
Ana wakes up, hearing a bird inside the house. She doesn’t find a bird but does find the ghost of her dead boyfriend outside. Justin wakes up inside, and he has a weird vision as well. There’s no phones allowed in this resort, but it’s only three days, so they’ll probably survive that. They come outside and meet the rest of the guests: Harper says this place isn’t for everyone, but doesn’t get to finish her thought.
They all notice the many loud birds on the island, and then Tina, their host, arrives. Tina shows an unusual interest in Ana, but mostly ignores Justin. Tina is weird. Blake introduces herself and mentions that Lempo is a Finnish word, and it’s also the goddess of birds.
All the guests convene in the sauna, and they all beat each other with tree branches. After, something attacks Ana in the lake. She then starts noticing various people’s eyes glowing oddly.
The group does an exercise looking at each other in broken mirrors and Ana sees Marko, her dead boyfriend, once again. Justin has no idea who Marko is; Tina accuses Justin of being unfaithful. Tina knows that Ana blames herself for Marko’s death.
Everyone then gets naked and goes swimming after Tina paints herself with blood. There is much frolicking, and even Ana and Justin go at it. All the couples pair off for sex, and each pair behaves differently as Tina does a ritual. An old ghost-woman appears to watch all of them, as their eyes all glow. By the time they’re all done, one couple is dead; Petri and Blake dispose of the bodies.
In the morning, Ana and Justin argue about their respective affairs. Ana runs outside and sees Tina and Petri being weird in the woods. All the guests are surprisingly hostile with each other.
Ana wants to go home, and Justin thinks a lot of the strangeness is all in her head, which just makes her angrier. Petri explains that she can’t leave, as it’s Midsummer and all the taxis have shut down.
Everyone wanders around outside, and they all notice just how many birds, both alive and dead, are all over the place. Ana sees Marko again, and this time, she follows him.
Tina starts another ritual, and the old bird-woman, Lempo, is there. Everyone is in a trance except for Ana, who is there unwillingly. Tina cuts the old woman’s throat and puts the blood in a cup. Tina wants Ana to be Lempo’s new vessel; she forces Ana to drink the blood. Everyone else is some kind of trance. Justin and Harper have sex right there in front of everyone.
Lance, Harper’s husband, wakes up and causes trouble while Blake grabs Ana and runs off into the woods. Blake admits that Marko was her half-brother, and she’s part of the Lempo cult. Petri sneaks up and stabs Blake in the back before coming after Ana.
Some of the other couples have lethal difficulties. After killing Harper, Ana grabs a rowboat and heads away from the island– at least until Justin shows up begging her to come back for him. She’s captured once again.
Tina and Petri use Justin to sacrifice Ana to Lempo. He resists, and ends up stabbing Tina. Petri prays to Lempo, who brings Tina back to life. Tina then rips out his heart with her bare hand.
Out of nowhere, Blake, who isn’t dead, shows up and calls on a different Finnish god to stop Lempo-Tina. Blake doesn’t live long after that. Tina then pulls out Ana’s still-beating heart and bleeds all over it attempting to transfer into Ana.
A bird crawls out of Blake’s body and attacks Tina, who bursts into flame.
Later, Ana wakes up as a man in a boat approaches. He sees Ana and recognizes her as Lempo; he’s a cultist as well. Justin and Harper are still alive, but no longer in a trance. They leave all the corpses for the birds.
Brian’s Commentary
It’s clear from the beginning that this whole thing is some kind of weird setup, and that Tina and Petri have something going on.
There are lots of CGI birds, some well done, and some not. We also noticed some bonfires looked completely computer generated for some reason.
It’s not a mythology I’m familiar with, so all the Lempo stuff was new for me. Overall, I was entertained.
Kevin’s Commentary
Wind and fire conditions must have limited them to CGI fires at times.
Overall though, I thought it was pretty well made, and I enjoyed it.
2026 Animals
Director: Maya Gray
Writers: Maya Gray
Stars: Rachel Alig, Serine Sianosian, Geneva Cimone, Jamie Criss, Chad Anderson, Peter Kalisch
Runtime: 22 minutes
Official Trailer: N/A
Spoiler-Free Judgment Zone
A grieving woman answers the door to find another woman there who believes she rented the place as an AirBNB. What starts out as a friendly gesture to stay goes downhill in a big way as time goes on.
Spoilery Synopsis
Zoya finishes praying and then the doorbell rings. A woman comes to the door saying she rented this place on AirBNB. Zoya explains that it’s her mother’s house, who just recently died from cancer, and the strange visitor wants to come inside to sort out the issue. She brings her suitcase in with her. Zoya wants to know where Amelia will be staying, but Amelia stalls with her answer and begins making herself at home…
Brian’s Commentary
There are squatters, and then there’s this.
It all starts off pretty awkward, but it progresses realistically until it gets weird. It’s well shot and well acted, and both characters seem to have some major issues.
We all need friends as accepting as Amelia’s. Very nice!
Kevin’s Commentary
The quiet realism of this is impressive, and it builds nicely. Great script, great actors, and good direction. I thought it was excellent.
2001 Planet of the Apes
Director: Tim Burton
Writers: William Broyles Jr., Lawrence Konner, Mark Rosenthal (Based on the novel by Pierre Boulle)
Stars: Mark Wahlberg, Tim Roth, Helena Bonham Carter, Michael Clarke Duncan, Paul Giamatti, Estella Warren
Runtime: 120 minutes
Trailer Link:
Spoiler-Free Judgment Zone
In the far distant future of 2029, an astronaut lands on a planet where apes rule, and humans are slave labor. It’s a reboot and reimagining of the 1968 original, with practical makeup and prosthetics. Kind of an interim between the original series of the 60s and 70s and the CGI heavy “Rise of the Planet of the Apes” which started the modern reboot series in 2011. It’s not bad, quite entertaining, but also unnecessary.
Spoilery Synopsis
A normal-looking monkey flies a spaceship and works the controls. Things go badly, but it’s only a simulator. It’s the year 2029, and there’s a huge space station orbiting Saturn. Captain Leo Davidson and a bunch of scientists are out there training apes.
Suddenly, the lights go out. A space storm approaches, and they start getting TV broadcasts from many different time periods. Leo wants to pilot the ship out there because he doesn’t believe the monkeys can handle it, but the commander overrules him.
Pericles the ape pilots his ship into the storm, as instructed. They soon lose his signal. The commander wants to give up, so Leo hops in a pod and launches himself after Pericles. A space disturbance hits both pods, and something strange happens. Leo loses power but soon sees the chronometer going crazy. He does an emergency landing on the strange planet below.
Leo finds himself on a forest planet, in the middle of a bunch of humans that are running from — apes! Many of the humans, including Leo, are captured in nets and beaten. The apes then lead a procession of human prisoners to their city.
They’re taken to a slave trader, Limbo, who’s a hoot. General Thade and his assistant Attar walk through, and it’s clear they’re in charge. Thade’s niece wants one of the human children to play with, and Limbo has no choice but to donate it.
Limbo gets to branding the slaves, but then Ari, a human-friendly ape activist, interrupts. She thinks humans can be taught to live with them as equals. She buys Leo and a blonde woman as house servants. Ari’s father is a senator, and he doesn’t care for humans.
The senator has guests over, including another senator and General Thade. Thade talks about his ailing father. Thade is all for eliminating the entire human population, but there are financial reasons for keeping them around.
Thade’s men find the remains of Leo’s space pod and let him know about it. He then kills the soldiers who know about it.
Meanwhile, Leo knows some tricks and uses them to escape their cages. They run through the town, causing all kinds of mischief. Ari and her bodyguard, Krull, help them, and Thade soon hears about that.
They all make their way to Leo’s crash site, but his ship has sunk. He dives in and retrieves a supply bag. He’s got a radio, but can’t talk to his ship; he can, however, get a direction toward where they are. They run into and take Limbo along as a hostage.
Thade uses the situation to convince the senator to declare martial law, so he can purge the planet of all the humans. He talks to his own sickly father, who explains that this has all happened before, and way back in the past, humans were the masters and apes the slaves. He’s even got proof, an old human-made pistol. He warns Thade not to allow the humans to reach Calima, which has the secret of their origins.
Meanwhile, Ari tells Leo and the others about Calima, where they originally came from, but maybe that’s just a religious fairy tale. Leo’s tracker seems to be pointing in that direction. But first, they have to steal some horses and cross a river while avoiding a whole camp of Attar’s apes.
Leo’s group soon reaches Calima, which is the space station from earlier, but it’s been crashed on the planet for a very long time. There are no survivors present. Turns out, Calima is “Caution: Live Animals.” Yes, these modern apes have all descended from his own experiments in training apes. Leo watches the ship’s logs and finds out what happened.
Apparently, all the humans everywhere have learned about Leo and show up outside. All the apes are not far behind.
Ari turns herself in to Thade, who wants to trade herself for the lives of the humans. He doesn’t buy what she’s selling and sends her back to die with the humans.
Meanwhile, Leo has a plan to defeat the ape army using some trick with the Oberon. As the thousands of ape soldiers charge, the space station’s engines ignite, blowing up many of them.
Thade’s had enough waiting, and they all start the big battle. Attar and Krull face off, old teacher and mean pupil. Attar easily wins. Thade, on the other hand, has eyes only for Leo.
The apes are easily winning, but suddenly, there’s a boom from the sky and another space pod lands. Turns out, it’s Pericles, who is a much better pilot than Leo ever was. The apes think he’s the second coming of Cemos, and all bow down.
Thade isn’t giving up so easily. He chases Leo and Pericles into the ship and there’s another fight. Pericles brought a blaster, and the ape and the man fight over it. Thade gets the gun, but he’s also trapped in the animal chamber.
Everything starts to settle down, and Leo finds that Pericles’s pod can still be used. He wants to use it to go home. He blasts off and soon finds that same space-storm. He retraces his steps and soon sees Earth. He comes in over Washington DC and picks up radio transmissions. He crashes into the Lincoln Memorial, which doesn’t feature Lincoln: It’s Thade instead. Police show up, and they’re all apes as well.
What?
Brian’s Commentary
It’s probably easiest to compare this to the 1968 original. This is much faster-paced, with Leo in Ape City in the first twenty minutes. Then again, since everyone knows how the story goes they can dispense with the suspenseful reveal.
At one point, we see two planets or moons in the sky, so this isn’t our Earth. They obviously had plans for sequels, but the movie flopped, so that never happened.
This time around, the humans can speak, which kinda limits how “special” Leo is compared to the others. Unlike the newer Ape series, the characters here are all done with practical effects, more like the original series, but it’s clear that the makeup and prosthetics have gotten much better.
It all looks really good, but the story is just too neat and tidy; everything wraps up too cleanly except for the twist in the final scene. I didn’t hate it, but this is one of those films that doesn’t really improve on the source materials (the films, not the book).
Kevin’s Commentary
We’d better get on the ball if we want a space station like that in the next three years.
So, the space storm wasn’t just messing with time, it was sending them to different dimensions as well.
I do like the practical effects way better than the CGI motion capture of the modern reboot series that started in 2011. Though I can see why the actors would prefer the CGI. That’s a lot of hours getting it on and off every day, and a lot of hours in it all day.
I thought this was pretty good, and I know it gets a lot of hate. It’s not deserved. Not a perfect movie, but it’s entertaining.
1997 Lost Highway
Director: David Lynch
Writers: David Lynch, Barry Gifford
Stars: Bill Pullman, Patricia Arquette, Balthazar Getty, Robert Blake
Runtime: 2 Hours, 14 Minutes
Trailer Link:
Spoiler-Free Judgment Zone
The IMDB.com listing for this movie summarizes it perfectly: “Anonymous videotapes presage a musician’s murder conviction, and a gangster’s girlfriend leads a mechanic astray.” There’s other things that happen too, but that’s the gist. It’s a David Lynch film, so every shot and every character seems a little off or unsettling or unusual. It’s a strange and quiet movie that unfolds at a relaxed pace for the most part. Some might call it boring. Some might think it could be trimmed down by a lot.
Spoilery Synopsis
Credits roll as we drive along… a lost highway.
We cut to Fred Madison, who’s annoyed by the doorbell. “Dick Laurent is dead” says the voice on the intercom. Renee comes in, and they talk before he goes to work; she says she’ll stay home and read a book. He’s a saxophone player in a loud bar (he’s horrible, by the way). He calls her later, and she’s not at home reading a book. Still, when he gets home, she’s there asleep. Maybe he’s just suspicious over nothing.
In the morning, Renee finds an unlabeled videotape waiting for her outside. Fred puts it in the player, and it’s their house. “Must be from a real estate agent,” she quips. Then they have sex for a long time, and Fred… fails. He tells her about the dream he had last night. She was in bed with him, but her face looked like Robert Blake for some reason.
The next morning, there’s another videotape. This time, it’s their house from the outside and on the inside. It also shows them sleeping in their bed. The police detectives show up and look the place over, but they don’t find anything.
At Andy’s houseparty not long after, Fred sees that same weird man. “We’ve met before, haven’t we? At your house? As a matter of fact, I’m there right now, at your house.” Fred calls home and the man, who is standing right in front of him, answers. It’s a weird conversation. When they get home, no one is there.
Fred finds another videotape. This one shows Fred murdering Renee. Did he really do that? The police think he did, and he goes to prison for it– on death row. The prison doctor gives him something to make him sleep, but he has headaches that won’t go away. He gets another vision of the mystery man and some even stranger things.
The warden and the guard look into Fred’s cell, but that’s some other guy in there now. How did that happen? This guy is Peter Dayton, not Fred at all. They release Peter to his family, since he’s not even supposed to be in prison at all.
Peter goes out with friends, but he’s changed. He doesn’t really know what happened to him. He goes back to work, fixing cars for Arnie. Mr. Eddy, a gangster, comes in, and he’s a good friend to Pete. They go for a drive and a tail-gater messes with the wrong car. Let’s just say Mr. Eddie is a stickler for safety rules.
Pete and his girlfriend, Sheila, make out in the car that night, with the police watching from their tail-car.
The next day, at the auto shop, Pete gets a headache when he hears saxophone music on the radio. Mr. Eddy comes in again and leaves his car. He notices Eddy’s new girl in the passenger seat, and she looks just like Renee, but she’s not. She comes by later that evening to talk to Pete, alone; she’s Alice.
Pete’s parents saw everything that happened the night Pete went missing. There was a strange man involved. Not long after, Eddy warns Pete about staying away from Alice. Alicec, on the other hand, wants to run away with Pete. She talks to him about doing pornos for Mr. Eddy. She’s got a whole plan laid out for leaving town with the help of Andy.
Mr. Eddy calls Pete on the phone. Mr Eddy puts the Mystery Man on the phone. “We’ve met before, haven’t we? At your house.” Yeah, he knows about Alice, and that’s not good for Pete.
Pete goes to the rendezvous spot to meet Alice at Andy’s house. He sees a porno movie playing on a big screen, and it’s Alice in the movie. Pete attacks Anyd, who dies in the fight, albeit accidentally. Pete sees a photo of Alice and Renee together, along with Andy and Eddy.
Pete’s head goes all wonky, and he goes up to the bathroom, bleeding heavily. The two drive out to the desert to meet her fence, who will pay them to leave the country. As they wait, they have more sex. When they’re done, Pete is gone and Fred is there taking his place. The Mystery Man is there as well.
Fred gets freaked out by the strange man and drives off alone, to the Lost Highway Hotel, where Renee is having sex with Eddy. Fred takes Eddy, at gunpoint, out into the desert and kills him.
At Andy’s house, the detectives look at the photo, and only Renee, Andy, and Eddy are in it. Fred then goes to his house, rings the bell, and says “Dick Laurant is dead.” The detectives spot him there and chase him way out into the desert. As he drives, Fred becomes some else…
Brian’s Commentary
You know it’s a weird movie when Gary Busey plays one of the more reasonable characters.
I had only seen this one once before, when it came out, and all I remember was that I didn’t care for it. I’m a huge David Lynch fan, but this was my least favorite of his films. Now I see why: It’s boring as hell; we didn’t get a single laugh until Robert Loggia showed up to give us a driving lesson.
We get a whole bunch of stuff with Bill Pullman, and then he disappears for the majority of the movie. Then we get Balthazar Getty for a chunk of the film with no explanation for the shift.
I don’t get it. It probably needs three or four more viewings before I do, just like “Mulholland Drive” did.
Kevin’s Commentary
I’d forgotten how many recognizable faces are in it in supporting roles.
I too had only seen this once before and didn’t care for it too much. It’s Lynch, so the cinematography is amazing and the script is weird. There are some solidly entertaining moments. And I liked it better this time. But it also felt too long and drawn out. I’d trim it back half an hour or so.
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